Vatican Rips Lateran Treaty

In a dramatic escalation of tensions on the Italian peninsula, Pope John Paul II today called for a renegotiation of the Lateran Treaty. Speaking to a packed St. Peter's Square, the Pope demanded recognition of Rome's historic economic and political rights in the Papal States. Addressing the crowd in 127 languages and dialects, including for the first time Ebonics, the Pope called for "the Archangel of God, Michael", to smite those who would deny the legitimate demands of the See of Rome. �We be gonna wack your ass� he proclaimed.

News reports from Switzerland indicate that men in the Catholic Cantons are flocking to Swiss Guard recruitment stations, many bringing their Swiss Army issued weapons with them. Mobs, acting in response to the Pope's speech, have stormed several Italian embassies and raised the Papal flag. As of press time, the Italian embassies in Lagos, Nigeria, Khartoum, Sudan, Caracas, Venezuela, and the Italian consulate in Nice, France have been taken over by the rioters.

Reports from the north of Italy have Croat military forces massing on the border. Croat Army spokesmen deny any hostile intent towards Italy. "We are merely exercising our right to defend ourselves against any turmoil and in recognition of historic Croat rights in the region."

French border forces are reported by Reuters to be preparing defensive positions along the Italian border, camouflaged with waving white sheets. A spokesman for the French President, Jacques Chirac, stated that the crisis was grave, but that the French were prepared to do whatever it took to preserve their historic reaction to attack.

Meanwhile, in a more ominous note, Christiana Amanpour of CNN, reporting from San Marino, states that the streets are deserted. "It's quiet, too quiet" she reports. "Only tattered posters calling for the return of San Martino Irredenta can be seen blowing through the deserted streets." San Marino does not have a national army but is noted for the fierceness of its shepherds and postal clerks.

Maltese police officials have announced the arrest of several men of Arab extraction in connection with an apparent plot to steal an Italian fishing boat and use it in some sort of anti-Papal plot. The Maltese Air Force, the "Maltese Falcons" have begun regular combat air patrols over the nations to anticipate any threats against the security of Malta.

-- posted by Chuck at Friday, January 24, 2003 | E-mail | Permalink | Main | 0 comments

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Friday, January 24, 2003

Vatican Rips Lateran Treaty